


I love you so (please break my heart)

by kogaynepitch



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Depressed Keith (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Heavy Angst, I am so sorry, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Metaphors, Oneshot, Past Suicide Attempt, Pining Keith (Voltron), Sad Ending, Sad Keith (Voltron), Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), This Is Sad, Touch-Starved Keith (Voltron), Triggers, Unrequited Love, and it was written in 2017 so, kangst, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 18:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18783553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kogaynepitch/pseuds/kogaynepitch
Summary: through all of his life, Keith had tides.but he was not ready to drown in Lance.





	I love you so (please break my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGERS** : - anxiety  
> \- suicide attempt  
> \- self-harm  
> \- compulsive behaviors  
> \- depression  
> \- nightmares  
> \- touch privation
> 
> _PLEASE_ be careful. _DO NOT_ read this if any of those subjects make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. _you are important._
> 
>  
> 
> this was written in 2017, by the way.

# I just wanted to touch you how did I end up drowning

He looked at the scars on his arms and cried. They were grotesque, a trace in each arm, the skin in relief; a clearer tone than its natural. Keith didn’t know why he had stopped to think about them now – _except that he knows_. He knows why he can’t sleep at night anymore, he knows why all of a sudden his skin looked so cuttable and his dagger dangerously sharpened.

Keith likes to lie to himself (he thinks that if you repeat a lie many times, it may become true). So he repeats it every day. _I am fine. I don’t need any help. I don’t need them. I can take care of myself._ The tide always comes sweeping and turbulent; it brings the worst thoughts of the korean. The tide came once too high, and now he wears gloves and a jacket to conceal his shameful sadness.  
Tide.

He thought that this time, his tide would be the stupidly blue eyes of Lance – and soon, the individual who comes with it. The contagious laughter, the dazzling smile, the voice that scrambled his brain: the skin that he longed to touch. Lance was a full tide, something beautiful, ready to destroy. And Keith never felt so much desire to swim – he would love to drown in Lance’s eyes and suffocate in his arms: die in his tenderness.  
Keith thought his new tide was Lance.

He came so strong and helpless flooding him completely until there was nothing left. Keith could be intense, but Lance was _impetuous_. He loved him so much it hurt. So Keith repeated the cycle of his life, took all the feelings too intense and converged them in one: anger. Always pointed at himself, but sometimes escaping from the extremities.  


He was now sobbing, and the air was lacking in his lungs and breathing was a sacrifice. The tears continued to fall, mercifully. He wanted to scream like a hung soul trying to escape from hell because that’s how it felt. He was trying to drag himself out of all that loneliness, but something was always stronger than him. Anything was more persistent than his will to live.

Lance had soft lips and tasted like the sea.

Lance was warm and caring and kind and he could be _so_ gentle to Keith in a way that no one ever was. He was starved to the touch. He cried copiously the fist time Lance stroked his cheek and kissed his lips, with shame soon reaching him, but the heavy sensation that no one had ever been caring enough for him to touch him like that choked him intensely.

The group hugs he never participated in.

The sleepovers he was never invited for.

The smiles never directed to him.

The affection they never gave him.

The love he never had.

Everything always came back when Lance touched him delicately, murmuring caring words in his ear, while Keith trembled and sobbed in his arms. The promises he made. _I'll never leave you_. Promises that the korean would pretend that the cuban would never break. But that's how Keith's life works. The tides come, he swims and drowns in each of them. Always creating false hopes of promises that could never be fulfilled. 

Keith thought his new tide was Lance.

Trembling horribly, Keith wished that no one had arrived in that house. That he had slit his wrists earlier. That he bled more. That he had drown in the bath. That he had died fast. He draws his nails on his left arm scar with undisputed wrath – scratching his skin wildly. Until it ends. Because Keith can’t – he can’t take it – convert all his emotions into anger. Because there was no anger left to divert him from his terrors. Then he submerge in sadness.  
Because Lance was the only tide Keith wanted to stay.

However, the Cuban was not a tide.

He was Tsunami.

The touches stopped, the pretty words were never spoken again, and Keith’s skin was on fire when he woke up. The lack of touch annihilated him altogether. Because he had gotten used to it. The nightmares came back and there was nobody to stroke his hair and whisper comfort words, or kiss him better. There was nobody to say _I love you_ and _everything will be fine_ when the dark haired one woke up screaming and sweating and trembling in the middle of the night.  


Lance just didn’t love Keith.

And he didn’t blame him – he understood it, even. Keith was just not lovable.  


Tides, they come and go. Maybe they disorganized a few things, but Keith could always survive them (even when he didn’t want to).  


Tsunamis, however, destroy everything (even when Keith wanted so much a tide to drown).


End file.
